So, when I had to do my mammogram again this year, I of course had about a month where I put it off and then finally made the appointment.
Because, this is just too grownup for me.
I don't like to think about it.
I hate boobs for the very reason mammograms exist.
So I did it.
Then we went on a trip to Las Vegas.
Normally, after a week, you get a letter in the mail that says "your mammogram was fine, see you next year."
OR you get a call that something is up and you need to come back.
I asked while we were away if there were any phone calls, there weren't.
I got home feeling confident that good letter would come.
3 days pass and it didn't come.
Each time the phone rang I would cringe until I saw something random on the caller ID.
I was almost excited to talk to a telemarketer at this point.
Working at the computer on that Wednesday morning, the phone rang and I didn't think anything of it for some reason as I reached to click talk.
My heart stopped as I read the words mammography specialists across the phone's screen.
I heard my voice crack as I said hello and then there was a blur in my memory.
I felt like I was going to faint and I think I even told the person on the other line that.
She told me they needed another look at my right breast.
My robotic voice took over as I felt numb.
Yes, okay. I'll be there tomorrow. Can you give me the address?
I think I said those words.
I clicked off and then dialed my husband's cell.
I remember bawling and not being able to make a coherent statement.
"I'm so scared!" was all I could muster.
The next 21 hours I went back into that numb, robotic state to stay calm for the kids.
I did text and call friends and family and was reassured that this was more normal than it wasn't. I had so many questions but I tried to keep calm.
I slept that night only with help.
Hubby drove me to the appointment and I didn't say a word the drive over.
I remember shaking as I got out of the car and walked up the steps to the office. I wanted to run the other direction...
When my name was called I went back and was given the drill for my rescan. I was somewhat relieved to hear that a doctor would confirm or deny any findings before I left so I wouldn't have to worry any further...or well, you know, worry alot.
I tried to avert my eyes from the screen of my breast scan, I had no idea what I was looking at anyway but if I looked too long I know I'd end up google-ing it later.
I walked to the next room for my ultrasound and the clinician handed me a box of tissue as my eyes were leaking but I tried to hide it.
I stared at the squares on the ceiling trying to decide how to handle any results. I was interrupted by her telling me how she was done and the doctor would now come in and finish up my exam and talk to me about her findings.
I felt the need to vomit at that moment and when the doctor came in I started to sob. "Don't cry, this is normal, it happens more often than not."
And like that, with a few waves of the wand she says, "everything looks good. see you next year!"
I lost it. I cried uncontrollably while she continued to tell me not to.
I thought about the people I know who are not fine and cried for them.
I cried for myself for have been given this pass.
I think I cried for the next 5 hours until I picked up the kids from school.
It seemed to have been the longest day of my life.
I don't want to repeat it.