24 Hours of Fear and Crying

There are a lot of things in life that scare me.

Primarily death.

And cancer.

So, when I had to do my mammogram again this year, I of course had about a month where I put it off and then finally made the appointment.

Because, this is just too grownup for me.

I don't like to think about it.

I hate boobs for the very reason mammograms exist.

So I did it.

Then we went on a trip to Las Vegas.

Normally, after a week, you get a letter in the mail that says "your mammogram was fine, see you next year."

OR you get a call that something is up and you need to come back.

I asked while we were away if there were any phone calls, there weren't.

I got home feeling confident that good letter would come.

3 days pass and it didn't come.

Each time the phone rang I would cringe until I saw something random on the caller ID.

I was almost excited to talk to a telemarketer at this point.

Working at the computer on that Wednesday morning, the phone rang and I didn't think anything of it for some reason as I reached to click talk.

My heart stopped as I read the words mammography specialists across the phone's screen.

I heard my voice crack as I said hello and then there was a blur in my memory.

I felt like I was going to faint and I think I even told the person on the other line that. 

She told me they needed another look at my right breast. 

My robotic voice took over as I felt numb. 

Yes, okay. I'll be there tomorrow. Can you give me the address?

I think I said those words.

I clicked off and then dialed my husband's cell.

I remember bawling and not being able to make a coherent statement.

"I'm so scared!" was all I could muster.

 The next 21 hours I went back into that numb, robotic state to stay calm for the kids. 

I did text and call friends and family and was reassured that this was more normal than it wasn't.  I had so many questions but I tried to keep calm.

I slept that night only with help.

Hubby drove me to the appointment and I didn't say a word the drive over.

I remember shaking as I got out of the car and walked up the steps to the office.  I wanted to run the other direction...

When my name was called I went back and was given the drill for my rescan. I was somewhat relieved to hear that a doctor would confirm or deny any findings before I left so I wouldn't have to worry any further...or well, you know, worry alot.

I tried to avert my eyes from the screen of my breast scan, I had no idea what I was looking at anyway but if I looked too long I know I'd end up google-ing it later.

I walked to the next room for my ultrasound and the clinician handed me a box of tissue as my eyes were leaking but I tried to hide it.

I stared at the squares on the ceiling trying to decide how to handle any results.  I was interrupted by her telling me how she was done and the doctor would now come in and finish up my exam and talk to me about her findings. 

I felt the need to vomit at that moment and when the doctor came in I started to sob.  "Don't cry, this is normal, it happens more often than not."

And like that, with a few waves of the wand she says, "everything looks good.  see you next year!"

I lost it.  I cried uncontrollably while she continued to tell me not to. 

I thought about the people I know who are not fine and cried for them.

I cried for myself for have been given this pass.

I think I cried for the next 5 hours until I picked up the kids from school.

It seemed to have been the longest day of my life.

I don't want to repeat it.

36 supporters in group:

  1. Beeb Ashcroft said...

    I almost cried just reading about it! What a scary experience, I'm SO glad you got the all clear. Hugs!!

  2. Debby said...

    My eyes were tearing up just reading your post. My bad mammography experience was may 2006. My first screening. Had to repeat it. Long story short...8 weeks later after surgical biopsy...benign.
    I don't think I'll have another one. They don't know what to do with super early "findings". I had the choice to wait 6 mos and have another mammogram or do the surgical biopsy. Mentally I couldn't do the waiting...way too stressful for me. Sorry for rambling.

    I am so happy you got good news!

  3. Heather B. said...

    So so so so so happy for good news!!! I seriously don't think I could handle that! It scares the crap out of me!

  4. Rose-Marie said...

    I'm a lot like you. But you can sure articulate it much better than I can. Many people don't realize just how scary a call like that can be, or waiting to see if no call. Hugs for you! Happy all is OK after the ordeal.

  5. Anna Pry said...

    So glad it turned out ok for you. Thank you for honestly sharing your experience!

  6. Tammy S said...

    I have been there. I know everyone says don't worry or it's probably nothing. It still scares the hell out of you! You can't help but worry and think of your family. I am in the same situation with annual mammograms and ultrasounds. So far everything looks okay. I am glad you got good news!

  7. Dina said...

    I'm so relieved you're ok, but I know that fear well. I've had so many tests and had to go back for further testing. The wait is unbearable!

  8. Elaine Schoch said...

    I was afraid to get to the end of the post. So glad you're ok and you got the "pass".

  9. Angela snoozy said...

    I'm so glad to hear everything was normal! It is so scary when they call you back for another look. I've had to go for a repeat once & it was pretty scary. I think it's so nice that they let you know the results before you leave though!

  10. Liz said...

    SO sorry I missed this when you first posted it. Our last couple weeks have been crazy. I'm so glad you got good news!!!

  11. Denise Taylor-Dennis said...

    I just went through the same thing as you two days ago. I was shaking in my boots too but thank God but everything is okay.

  12. Rebecca Parsons said...

    This post had my emotions all over the place. Thank God for a great outcome!

  13. Brutus Duffy said...

    Same thing happened to me but I wasn't worried at all. I figured I'd deal with it later if needed. I've been the hospital and had so many tests done that stuff like that doesn't even phase me anymore.
    Glad you are ok.

  14. Linda Meyers-Gabbard said...

    I am so sorry that you went through the stress of not knowing and so happy for you that everything is ok. We all need a good cry from time to time. It id a awesome stress reliver. My god be with you and your family always.

  15. Linda Meyers-Gabbard said...

    I am so sorry that you went through the stress of not knowing and so happy for you that everything is ok. We all need a good cry from time to time. It id a awesome stress reliver. My god be with you and your family always.

  16. Mary R. said...

    You know, Thank God it was clear. I felt exactly the same way since my mom went through all of this and the doc removed it years ago. Now, one of my good friends has breast cancer and its just so devastating! I so hope they find a cure to cancer asap because its taking the lives of people we love so much.

  17. VickeC said...

    that's why is better to get regular mammograms,,ive been where you've been too,,and it was scarey,even as a Nurse I was scared,,but knew that if something was there it hadn't been there long because I get yearly exams

  18. Shelly Leatham said...

    I have been there and I understand where you are coming from. I am so glad everything worked out well for you!

  19. Jordan James said...

    Wow, what an emotional roller coaster!

  20. Courtney B said...

    cancer scares the hell out of me too. AND drowning. eeck so afraid of being stuck under water.

  21. Amy Orvin said...

    What an exhausting time for you. I am so glad you are ok.

  22. Heidi Robbins said...

    How scary! It's definitely eye-opening as we age to have to deal with things only "older" people deal with.

  23. AnnaZed said...

    Oh dear, how awful. I don't want to criticize your doctors (who I am sure are wonderful; but maybe they might have gone about that a different way.

  24. Sara said...

    I think most women have been through this at least once and know exactly what you went through, it is definitely scary and I am so glad everything was ok.

  25. rochelle said...

    Hope you are doing better

  26. Birdie Bee said...

    I understand that fear as I have had breast cancer and it is so scarry. I go again next week for my mammogram and I still get scared until I get the results back from my doctor. I am so glad that you are okay.

  27. Michele P. said...

    I have to agree, it is a very scary experience. I have had it happen twice now, and each time I was in panic mode. Glad all turned out well for you, I'm due for another mammo soon and there may be a chance I get that call yet again... but at least I know that I've been through it before and what to expect.

  28. Liz said...

    Alright sister. Time for an update. It's been a year.

  29. Elizabeth B said...

    Medical scares are so hard to deal with, especially when its a waiting game. I have a month to go until my follow up with my neurologist after my MRI today. He is optimistic that my issues are minor, I am not so sure as my symptoms are getting worse. I don't know how I'm going to emotionally pull through the next month! (Small town, few doctors=long wait time for anything.)

  30. tannawings said...

    It is very very common... they usually doo an ultrasound right after of the radiology person is there.
    So glad it came out alright!

  31. James Robert said...

    Thank God for your outcome on this one. My mom has the same fears as you, death and cancer and she too had to have a repeat mammography once. So I guess this does happen but doesn't ease our fears.

  32. thisisliferemix said...

    Moments like this can be very scary. But it is up to us to stay string and pull through with dignity.

  33. Asa zen said...

    Great post

  34. KwaiPing Yip said...

    What a terrible ordeal that must have been! I remember for my pregnancy I had to go back to the doctor for "something they wanted to check" hate not knowing what is really going on when at the doc's office! I'm so glad nothing happened! I would be bawling too from all the stress...

  35. Robin Wilson said...

    I feel as if my heart stopped beating as I read this. I was gripped to your words. Wanting and not wanting to get to the end to see what happened. I don't know you but I felt as it I was in that office with you. I feel the same way every time I have a mammogram. I hope next year goes smoother.

  36. Fiddlin' Dandi said...

    I'm so glad everything turned out okay for you in the end!

Related Posts with Thumbnails