Smack Dab Right Between the Eyes

It has finally hit me.

"It" whatever it is.

Call it the summertime blues or just a heavy dose of reality.

School's out.

My daughter will be in jr.high, is 10 going on 30, and hormonal.

Dance is over, baseball is done.

The fighting has begun.

..and ended....and begun again.

I'm a referee every 20 minutes.

The economy sucks.

In the past almost-11 years we've lived on one income.

Today I cry and blame myself for not contributing.

I know, I know, I've done so much to raise our 3 children.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

But, what if.

What if.

What if I had been working for the past 11 years.

Would it been so bad if they were in daycare?

No.

I wouldn't be applying to grocery stores, Target, places where no one is getting hired then.

I would be a teacher secure in my job after 11 years, little worry of pink slips, and layoffs.

The grass is greener? Or just less weedy?

Sleeping is hard lately.

I go to bed with a knot in my stomach that SURPRISE isn't acid reflux.

Punched in the gut.

Just in time for our family vacation.

Mountain air. Crystal blue waters.

I can't wait.

I want to get away.

For just a little while.

Put the worries on the back burner.

Before I boil over.

31 supporters in group:

  1. Martha in PA said...

    I hope you enjoy your vacation, it is good to get away!

    I don't look forward to the day I need to find another job....the early morning shift at Dunkin Donuts looks good, maybe when the kids are back in school? For now, I am trying to get back to being frugal so I can live on the money I got when I retired and my pension!

  2. Lori said...

    You can't look back and think "What If...?" God has a plan for you and your family, you just have to listen to what he's telling you. We've been a 2 income family since day one and we're no better off than any of the single income families I know. The more money you make, the more you spend. Be thankful for the years you've been able to be a stay at home mom. I never had that opportunity and, like DQ, my "baby" is almost 11 and starting jr high in the fall.

    Enjoy your vacation, clear your mind and relax. You will get through this, and it's not your fault.

    xoxo

  3. Lindsay said...

    awww I so know how you feel! I am working part time.. but since January and my husbands company handed out pay cuts and reduced hours I have been working my tail off.. but mostly from home.. its tiring.. I hope you have a great time on vacation and you get things figured out when you get back :-) (((HUGS)))

  4. Annie said...

    Ahhh...don't be so sure about the teacher security. 150 teachers were laid off in my former district this year for budget cuts. Granted, it is the 2nd largest in the state, but every building lost someone. I got one of 2 jobs in the district I live in. I'm switching and going back to work, as a high school teacher, in August.
    Have a fun vacay! I'm "back" from my semi retirement-come see me sometime!

  5. HappyHourSue said...

    Oh, sorry your feeling stressed my girlfriend....I've been a SAHM too and when I even *mention* working my 8 yo FREAKS out "Noooo! I don't want you to work!!!!"

    You are such a talented graphic designer - you could make good $$$ doing website/blog designing!!!!!!

  6. Merrie said...

    Sue's right -- you should consider marketing yourself!

    FYI I think you have done the greatest thing by being home for your kids. Not everyone can or wants to, and that's fine, but I think only good will come from having been home with them. You can spend so much of your life later working when they're older. Enjoy them now while they're home. It won't always be like that.
    ((Hugs to my wonderful friend))
    See you later!

  7. e.m. said...

    OMG, what were you doing in my head!?! I was thinking the exact same thing. I am a teacher who has been a SAHM for the past 9 years. Would it have made a difference? How WOULD the kids have faired? I don't know the answer..but if you find out let me know!

  8. Swirl Girl said...

    sounds like a case of June gloom...

    grass greener? Nope , just less weedy after all.

    shoulda, coulda, woulda are three of the saddest words in the language.

    I feel the same way.

  9. Marla said...

    this is why we take vacations... good luck!

  10. Elaine A. said...

    Sounds like you definitely need a break! Please relax and enjoy your vacation. You deserve it!

  11. Michelle said...

    Try to enjoy your vacation and "break" from reality. I hate the fighting. I tell my kids I am not a referee. To work, to not work, the financial stress. It really stinks and I agree the grass is always greener on the other side.

  12. Tenakim said...

    I hear you more than you know! Hang in there and get that break you need!

  13. Mel @ A Box of Chocolates said...

    I don't think the grass is ever greener on the other side, it's just a fake. I have the same trouble sleeping and wondering how everything will get paid. It's okay though cause we have our families, our healthy, and lots of love. You will survive. You will overcome. Hang in there!

  14. Liz said...

    Hon, I feel your pain.
    I was at home w/ my kids for almost a full decade before I went back to work & even then, it was only to teach the Mother's Day Out class next door to my daughter's class. I wasn't making any sort of real money, but it was a little & I felt like I was contributing. Kinda eased that guilty feeling you're talking about without missing my time as a SAHM. My older kids never missed me since I was at work while they were in school. My youngest didn't miss me b/c I was RIGHT NEXT DOOR to hear on the 2 days/week that she was in school. It wasn't until she was in 1st grade that the day care I worked at closed down & I had to look elsewhere. I went to a 5 days/week 1/2 day preschool. I can flex my teaching muscles and still be there to take my kids to/from school. I'm home in the afternoons & evenings & weekends and I'm off during the summer. It's the ideal thing for us. You might check around your area. I bet you could find something similar!

  15. The Crazy Suburban Mom said...

    All I can say is I hear you and hope things improve

    tracy

  16. Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

    Oh, hon, I'm on the flip side of THAT coin! My oldest is only 4 1/2, but I've worked every day since (except maternity leave, of course). Its nice to have the money, but when it comes right down to it, the stress of juggling this lifestyle and trying to be everything to everyone and THEN SOME...well, it feels like it would be worth giving up that money.

    But I hear ya on that vacation...I could really use one myself. ;-)

  17. Hannah Noel said...

    Tell your vacation to hurry it's butt up!! You need it bad! I hope its WONDERFUL for you =)

  18. MommaD said...

    I play the what if game in my head all of the time. What if I had worked all of these years, would we have made more headway? Would we be in a better place financially to get a house for our boys? But in the end my kids are very secure in the knowledge that I love them and that they are our first priority. And that is worth more than anything else in the end. It is not the monetary wealth that matters, it is the depth and breadth of love in ones life. Our little unit of six knows love. No price tag on that!

  19. ~*~ Melissa ~*~ said...

    Oh, how I feel for you. I know exactly how it feels. Times are so tough and I think the same way all the time. I wish I would have done so much differently, but then I don't... because we wouldn't be who we are today. Sometimes it can be so hard, but you have to think of all that you do have, and sometimes that just makes every bad thing worth the while.

  20. Mel Fraase said...

    Ugh, I feel the same way very often. Especially of late. Hope your vacation helps! Relax, no one ever is glad at the end that they stayed at work longer, every one is glad they spent more time with their family. Even as a referee!!!

  21. Danielle said...

    You do need a vacation! A vacation from the worrying. It is tough for everyone that is for sure. Hope you feel better!

  22. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

    You are not alone. I do the 'what if' moments, too...I left a very lucrative Marketing Manager position to stay at home with the Princess Nagger...some days I feel like my contribution - or lack thereof - is so overwhelming. Or would that be underwhelming? :) Family vacation is going to be just what the doctor ordered. Especially with the Mountain air and crystal blue waters...a mental break to recharge your batteries. :) Hope your vacation is soon! ((HUGZ!))

  23. Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

    People are losing their jobs despite job security of being in them for years upon years. You were meant to stay home, and this was meant to happen (sadly), and hopefully, you will go on your vacation, come home, and have work waiting for you. Because it was meant to happen. *hugs*

  24. Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

    You are feeling just like everyone else is right now and I can tell you if you had decided to work away from home you would feel exactly the same way and guilty about NOT spending time with the kiddos. So, the vacation is just what the doctor ordered! Enjoy yourself!!!! ;)

  25. LADYHIGHTOWER said...

    Through the years, I have been in your place many times. But if you can take a moment to just realize that what you are doing is"enduring to the end" you will hear a little whisper from God and find the strength and joy to carry on! God Bless!

  26. Krystyn said...

    Don't I know just how you feel. The grass is always greener...and I just recently wrote about the same thing, although not as well as you did!

  27. McMommy said...

    You are SO not alone in your worries!!! We are going through the same thing over here in our house....

  28. Caroline said...

    Totally been there friend...still there as a matter of fact. We all do the best we can do with what we are given...your kiddos will thank you someday for being home with them! Hang in there! smilinggreenmom (find me on twitter)

  29. Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

    Hang in there girl! I am in the middle of all that fun with the kids and daughters homones.....UGH

    Enjoy your break.

  30. Those Crazy Scotts said...

    Let's go to Nursing school! There is a "need" for them and we can still be home with our babies...

  31. Mrs4444 said...

    I'm glad you're going, but I'm going to miss you at BlogHer...

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