I mean, I've dealt with PPD, depression, and anxiety for years since the birth of my second child.
This feels like that, and I am finally putting a finger on the cause.
Over this past year a few things have happened that have left me sad during the day.
My youngest and last child spends her day in the Kindergarten classroom.
Don't get me wrong, she needs Kindergarten.
She loves Kindergarten.
She's wanted to go since birth.
As a result she is a reading machine, loves to write, loves art thanks to her amazing teacher and is almost done with Kindergarten heading to first grade.
The sad part is that I feel lost at home. Alone.
I still have my schedule in the morning for dropoff, then I drive crazily all over town each afternoon.
I work in the classroom and at the student store at two schools.
But when I wrote the Lonely Mama Bird post, I thought the phase would be short.
Nope, it's lasted all year.
I'm a stay at home mom, with no kids at home during the day.
I am working. I do have my review blog that I work hard at and has garnered me a "part-time job" but the emptiness is still there in my heart.
Also, my husband's new job has yet to really sink in.
For nearly 20 years, the length of our relationship, he has worked in our hometown.
Less than a mile away, only a few minutes commute.
Last July that changed due to the economy.
Thankfully something wonderful was offered to him, an hour's commute each day.
Yes, he has a job. Yes, it could be farther, like some people deal with.
But, in all those years, every day I saw him at lunch time. He was there for the kids' awards assemblies. He could come at a minutes notice to help me out when I needed a hand. He was able to manage our son's baseball team and he was just so close.
Spoiled. Yes, I was. I appreciated every moment of it.
Now, we have lunch together maybe once a month.
Now, he doesn't make it home in time for baseball practice.
Now, he misses just the smallest things like picking up our youngest after she's gotten her first good citizen award.
Now, his meetings are in different counties, he spends his evenings at city planning meetings.
It's made me feel like I have separation anxiety, I guess.
Oh. I'll live. It's just a long phase.