Spreading the Word


At my last physical, scheduling a mammogram for next year came up. My stomach sank to my toes, and I'm sure I turned white as a ghost. I'm only 35 I thought, but breast cancer is in my family. My aunt, my mom's sister, died of the awful disease. I realize that women are getting tested earlier and earlier, and especially before 40 if there's family history.

Of course I agreed to it, i'll be scared to death, but i'll do it.

It's hard to explain how I felt after that appointment. So far my office exams were normal. I am adamant about doing the monthly self-squish. Why was I so afraid. Was it because I'm getting older? Or was it because I couldn't handle getting sick?

I went home and saw the blessing that is my life. My kids, my husband, my home, my family. I couldn't shake the "what ifs." I tried to push the negative feeling out of my head, but it lingered for a few days, consuming my thoughts.

I have an intense fear of illness. Simple colds, allergies and asthma, my Hubby's Crohn's Disease, my dad's Diabetes complications, you name it, I can worry about it. It makes me feel helpless and out of control. Sometimes I can feel my mind detatch from my heart, a coping mechanism that buries negative feelings and masks them with better ones. Probably why I have a weird sense of humor. Why I like goofy comedy, and only want to surround myself with smiley, happy people.

I got an email from my friend Jamey last week. An old friend of hers was diagnosed with cancer just recently. She's 34. She went on to ask us to visit her website and spread awareness about the awful disease that is killing women every day. I closed my eyes and felt that feeling of disconnect. She was a year younger than me and she's dealing with cancer, that's not fair! I was afraid to read about it since I knew it wasn't good news. I felt the need to find something that will cancel out the fear rising within me. This is how I cope.

Well, I visited the site in question after all. CLICK-HERE. I read the story and saw all the good that they are planning with their organization. This put a smile on my face although I did cry. I cried for her pain. I cried for my friend who has someone so close to her, so ill. But then I thought, I can do more. I have a blog, I can at least write about it. If it touches just one other person, or helps them in some way then it was worth it.

2 supporters in group:

  1. Merrie said...

    (((Jen)))
    I don't think there's one of us who's read this and not understood exactly what you're going through. And when it all comes out clear in the end, let's use that as a reason to celebrate! GNO!!

  2. *Becky* said...

    I just wanted to send you warm thoughts, I'm sorry I didn't comment sooner!

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