Man vs. Tossed Underwear

After back-to-school night, my son was heart-set on heading to Ace Hardware.

He'd seen a Swiss Army Knife there for a great deal, and with our upcoming camping trip, needed to have something to whittle with.

So it was a lovely 80 degree evening and we decided to walk the couple of blocks.

Now this walk has us walking past a neighborhood as well as an open field. 

As you can imagine there is random stuff in the gutters, like a half-full box of Mike and Ike's that I had to pull my husband away from.


NO that's not free candy!

We walk a little further and my husband is picking something up.  STOP!


Now no, we're not in the slums or anything, I mean, he wasn't reaching for a needle or crack pipe or anything, but still EW, don't pick up garbage.


"Cool, Croakies!"  You know, those stretchy glasses straps that are made of wetsuit material.


Really? You NEED that?!


Even further down the street, I glance over and see a pair of men's underwear.

Men's underwear, tossed in a field behind my home.

Who? Why? What the?

How do you just lose your underwear? 

This field is near a 4 lane road, I don't see anyone gettin' it on in these parts without looky-loos.

So Hubby cracks a joke about how next time he's going to bring his backpack to collect all these treasures.

Who are you?

Then suddenly he has a new idea for a reality show...like Bear Grylls in Man vs. Wild, but in town...

Urban Bum Survival.

(imagine this is my hub's worst australian accent) First you take you Croakies band and wrap it around the men's underwear, and tie it on your head in the midday heat.  If you get hungry, Mike and Ikes will get you through until the McDonald's garbage cans are at capacity!

Sometimes I wonder about that man.

Sometimes.

Tuesday's Random Rambling

What's that smell, you ask?!

Oh just Lysol...I'm de-germinating.

The kids all went back to school today thanks to their strong immune systems.

Me, well, I'm still achey with this persistent sore throat and head cold.

I'll be visiting the doctor later today.
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In the mean time I knocked out this fab-o spaghetti sauce recipe that my SIL handed down.

My pores are still oozing garlic and the house smells like Little Italy.

That added Cayenne pepper, seriously good for the sinuses!
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On the way home from Preschool this morning, K and I had this stimulating conversation..

Me: I saw you had a cake for someone's birthday, do you remember his name.
K: No, it's a boy.

K: Mommy, Thumbert is too widdle for peeskool. Thumbert is the name of the thumb she sucks
Me: Oh yeah? Well, he's (don't know why it's a HE) with you every day!
K: Yeah, but not in my mowss (mouth)

K: Mommy, I missed you!
Me: I missed you too, but I get to see you now after all the fun you had.
K: I miss my house.
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Have you ever watched the show Numbers?

Hubby likes it, mainly because they say words like algorithm and heuristics every other minute.

I like it because Rob Morrow is hot and the Fonz is in it too...though not really that hot anymore!

Anyhoo, we watched 3 episodes last night and I got totally turned around because they were taped in May and have been on our DVR since then.

Often you forget to FF through a commercial and I saw a news brief on the Jesusita fires in Santa Barbara (where i'm headed in a few weeks) and I was all, "HOLY CRUD not again!!!" and then my hub reminded me, "honey, this was in May..." and I was SO relieved.
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Kanye on the VMA's so unclassy, poor Taylor Swift!
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RIP Patrick Swayze.

Showering with Barbie

Had it really been 2 days since I last showered?

UGH.

Truth be told, it was TIME.

You know you have that feeling like, I cannot wait one more day second, I need to shower NOW!

So as perfect timing had it, I was home mid-day with K. Blerg.

Bribery works, so I grabbed her favorite snack and drink, put on a Strawberry Shortcake flick and grabbed my robe.

I thought, oh yeah, I have a good 20 minutes before she'd come knocking.

Just as I'm adjusting the water to HOT, I hear footsteps, then the door opening.

"Wutcha doin'?"

Um honey, mommy's in the shower.

"Me want to take one too."

You don't like showers, you can have a bath tonight.

pulling the curtain back "Mommy, you taking a shower wiss my Darbie?"

Clearing the shampoo out of my eyes, Um, I guess, as I see her on the shelf by my razor.

Honey, you're missing your movie, mommy will be out in a minute!

"My don't want to watch dat."

Great.

"Mommy you wash my Darbie's hayur, it's duhtee."

I'm on it.

Scrubbing away as quickly as possible, I dream of long hot showers and babysitters.

"Mommy you done?"

Almost! As I frantically rinse the soap out of my hair and attack my pits with the razor, trying not to cut myself up.

I shut the water off and grab my towel.

4 minutes, maybe 5. Sigh.

So not what I had in mind.

K walks out of the bathroom.

Where ya goin' K?!

"To watch my movie!!"

Figures.
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*don't forget about my $250 Visa Card Giveaway, contest ends 7/8/09*

Did You Say Flipflop?

My Boy is walking around the house with his toy air rifle in his Star Wars jammies claiming today was the best day ever.

Birthday party, friends, baseball, cousin T sleeping over, um...yeah it is!

I love his enthusiastic heart.

But boys are just so... boy-ish.

Every other word is DUUUUDE!

And, these random words like Hiccup and Earwig.

My Boy--Mom! It's PIPLUP and TURTWIG.

Whatever, it's weird.

But I do think it counts as a second language, so be sure to add it to your college and job applications.

Tomorrow he's taking his metal detector out to find loose change and bolts.

Good times!

Header, Header, What Do You See?

The other day Hubby and I were chatting about my recent blog post and he said, "are there pictures under that bracelet on your header?"

WHAT the...

Bracelet?

I had no idea what he meant.

"Did you put pictures under the little gems of the kids?"

Come again.

I went to load up my blog and looked.

"Look at the center grey one. Well, all of them."

I looked.

I concentrated.

I crossed my eyes a little.

Well I guess I see an eye in the top right.

"No, a baby face, eyes, nose, that eye you see is the baby's headband!"

Did he just say a baby's headband?!

Are you feeling okay honey?

(Looking at my imaginary watch that wouldn't have the date on it anyway) Is it time for you next eye exam?

"Pfft." (stomps off)

I looked again.

I covered one eye.

I began seeing the Gerber baby.

Or a kewpie doll.

It's not a headband, it's a beret.

Okay, he's not crazy.

Do you see it?

Tales From the Orthodontist Office

Yes, DQ still has braces.

We're still in Phase One. Luckily we've paid off phase one.

Who knows when the Phase Two bills will come.

But, this post isn't about DQ.

It's about me. And My Boy. And K.

The wait-ees in the waiting area during DQ's appointments.

The small ever-so-cramped waiting area. Well that's what it feels like when you're there for an hour. With 8 other wait-ers. And one sadistic toddler.

Oh there are toys.

Legos. Puzzles. Even this annoying clacky-Barney-clicky-thing. Plenty.

But, those get old after AN HOUR.

Most of DQ's appointments are 10 minutes max. Boom, from green rubber bands to pink. Boom, we're out.

Not last week.

K was on some tirade asking for something a million point two times.

A boy, maybe 12, waiting for his turn, shook his head and mumbled something to me.

Me: Pardon? I didn't hear you?
Him: I'm NEVER having kids, I couldn't take all those questions!!
Me: [laughing] yeah, they're all the SAME question too.

I channeled Napoleon Dynamite in my head, DUDE, you don't even know!

And that was just the incessant chatter portion of the wait.

Then K proceeded to sit backwards on a chair and fall in a matter of seconds. I scooped her up off the floor and asked if she was okay. Then she proceeded to yell, "mommy YOU MEAN, you poke my pits!"

OMG, I just picked her up off the floor!

By this time the sweat is pouring off me.

She starts poking and prodding her brother and they start a major fight.

Super duper. When the hell is this new-color-rubberbands appointment going to end?

I take her and My Boy to the car and buckle her in her carseat while she wails for the next 20 minutes.

I finally see DQ in the window motioning to me.

Oh sure, leave a 2 year old and a 7 year old in the car alone, so CPS can come. I wave her over to me.

Me: You can kindly tell them your sister is pitching the biggest fit of her life and they're lucky we're still not in the office.
DQ: Um. no. What's a good time for our next appt?
Me: One month, any time after 2pm.

Oh, and for the record, she got a spring that day. Which in itself still only took 10 minutes. WTF?!

I Live With Clowns

My Boy(singing)--Columbus sailed the ocean blue in Nineteen Hundred and Sixty Two!!

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Hearing commotion in Hubby's bathroom....

Me--Everything okay in there?
Hubby--I'm going fishing!
Me--EW!
Hubby--No, I saw something on the [insert HGTV show on tools called ??] and it gave me an idea.
Me--Oh.......EW!

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K--ooh a buhduh [booger]
Me--a booger, ew gwoss [yes i talk baby talk to her]
K(stretching her finger out to me)--Mom, you hold it!

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Hubby said something funny and was joking around with Cousin T when he spent the night last weekend.

Me--Ooh you're becoming quite the FUN Uncle aren't you?!
Hubby--I'm a regular FUNCLE!
Me--Oh my god, that sounds like a bad word.

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DQ & My Boy--What is Hummus made out of?
Me--Garbanzo beans
DQ--Oh like that guy from the Muppets?
Me--(eyes wide) GONZO??!
DQ--Whatever!

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While putting on K's diaper for the night, she sits up from a lying down position and....

Me--What are you doing goose, let me put your dipe on.

K--My lookin' at my buttocks!!

Two Dimes and a Nickel STILL Make 25 Cents

So it's a normal school night. The kids look in the cabinets and say in unison, "tomorrow is hot lunch day."

I didn't go shopping, sue me.

We're scrounging up money for two hot lunches and a snack and the following convo ensued....

DQ--I have fifty cents (2 quarters), can you help me find fifty more?
Me--Sure. (finding some Hubby's bedside drawers) Here you go.
DQ--What's this??
Me--Um...you're in fifth grade, you're scaring me.
DQ--I need 2 quarters.
Me--I just gave you fifty cents. 4 dimes and 2 nickels. Fifty cents.
DQ--They don't take that kind of money anymore.
Me--WHO doesn't WHAT?!
DQ--The lunchladies. They don't take that kind of money, I need quarters!
Me--You've got to be kidding.
DQ--Seriously mom.
Me--(getting out my fighting armor) I'm going to put this money in a baggie for you and slip my phone number in there. You give them that money and if they don't take it, tell them to call your mom!
Me--(under my breath) I'm gonna send 100 pennies next time just to piss them off telling my kid they don't accept small change....grumble grumble roar.
DQ--Okay if you say so.

We'll see if I get a phone call tomorrow.

Hubby is sure that DQ is just embarassed to take small change. That's crazy! Could it be true?!

Of Entities and Other Stuff I Don't Understand

Hubby had a few beers and decided to work on the computer last night writing programs for work.

Me--What'cha doin'?

Hubby--Working on this program so I could BLah Blah Blah Blahbitty Blah BLAH!

Me--You lost me at program.

Hubby--(showing me an autocad diagram) This is a Blahbitty "Entity" blah and when I mark this as 42 and then this side as 42, the line between is 10.

Me--Perfect sense.(rolling my eyes) Math, I love it. Wait?! Is this math or some other absurd cool act of Engineering thing?

Hubby--It's computer programming language, it's called LISP.

Me--(hands on hips angry)You're not making fun of My Boy are you?!

Hubby--No, (laughing) it means LBlah Iblah Sblah Pblah.

Me--I'm going to watch mind-numbing t.v., thanks for the lesson though.

Hubby--Wait...

Me--I'm too dumb to listen anymore.

Communicating with a Tween

Sometimes I wonder where my kids get their sassiness and smart-alec answers. Well, I don't wonder that hard since we kinda use sarcasm alot. But, DQ is definately getting to the pre-teen stage. There's drama, emotion, the 'TUDE has begun. Here's what it's like around here daily....and how I typically respond.

-----I'm bored.
So am I.
-----How do I make money?
I'd give you an allowance if you'd actually do something around the house.
-----It's not fair.
Life's not always fair.
-----Tell him/her to stop!
You can use your words and ask them to stop.
-----I want my own room.
Start building. Oh and get a job to pay for it.
-----There's nothing to do.
You have rooms full of stuff and you can't find one thing to do?
-----Why can't I play on the computer?
I said no screen-time.
-----I need new clothes.
So do I. (and I just bought you some!)
-----Can we build a pool.
No. Yaya has one a mile away.
-----Why do I have to clean up my room?
Because you made the mess.
-----I took a shower yesterday!
And, you're dirty today.
-----I'm hungry.
Make a __________(enter 90% of all foods here).
-----But I don't like _________ (90% of all foods).
Bummer.

Ironically, sometimes boredom breeds desire-to-learn and DQ has taught herself to sew! She got a sewing machine for her last birthday, but the thread would always jam and knot...so she took the machine needles and taught herself the old-fashioned way. (She's since gotten a proper needle and Yaya gave her a thimble). She's made gloves, cell phone pockets, and is currently working on a pillow for My Boy.





















Every day she and My Boy ask if they can cut up old shirts and costumes to make new creations. The stuffing for the pillow came from the "muscles" part of My Boy's old Power Ranger costume!

There's hope.

Updated....hope is often short-lived. She is SO BORED now that she's making her birthday party invite list and her birthday is in NOVEMBER.

2nd Update....she just discovered that her old Daisy Girl Scout vest had like 14 patches pinned on (okay I don't sew!) and has begun sewing the petals on!! Etsy shop here we come LOL!!

An Engineer & a Naked Lady Walk into a Bar...

If you're wondering if I ever get a serious answer out of my Hubby.
No, no I don't.

Ghost Host

I swear talking to my Hubby is like talking to a 3 year old sometimes!

I proposed that Hubby do a Guest Post on my blog. Just to mix it up a bit. Whatever he wants to talk about. Tools, bikes, electricity, surveying robots. Whatever.

So he says, "you want me to be a ghost host?"
Me--No, write a guest post.
Hubby--I'd rather write a ghost host post.

Am I talking to Dr. Seuss here? I mean seriously.

Me--Okay, I'll give you a topic, "10 Things that Irritate Me"
Hubby--10 things that irritate YOU?
Me--No. That's the title, you are the author, 10 things that irritate YOU!
Hubby--I think I'm irritating you right now.
Me--Ya think?

-----------------------The Heather Break-------------------------------

10 minutes later

Hubby--Why don't I write about 10 things that make me randy-baby?
Me--Oh.my.god. You didn't just say that.
Hubby--What?
Me--You didn't even know what that meant before Austin Powers came out.
Hubby--Yes, I did!
Me--No, you didn't.
Hubby--You're right.

stay tuned

The Nerd and the Super Hero

Hubby got caught up with about a week's worth of my musings last night....

Me--Well?
Hubby--(now reading a book, half-listening) What?
Me--You read my blog, what do you think, any comments?
Hubby--Hmm? What? Oh yeah, cool.
Me--That's it?
Hubby--I like your alter-ego.
Me--My what? What am I a blogging super-hero?
Hubby--No, you write what you feel. What I often don't pay enough attention to. You say it on your blog. It's cool.
Me--(dwelling on this)But you said "alter-ego" do you mean not really ME? Is it because of all the sarcasm and stupid jokes? Because that actually IS me. Should I post about more serious things? Should I be less funny? I don't know any serious things.
Hubby--Aren't you tired, you weren't feeling well tonight, you better go to sleep.
Me--Are you brushing me off?
Hubby--(faking sleep-while actually still reading)
Me--I wrote about you in my camera obit. (written after he had gotten caught up) I said you were a mad scientist.
Hubby--(suddenly interested) Really? Can you make me one of those pictures like your new hair cartoon photo?
Me--Yep. I'll put bubbling, steaming test tubes in the background.
Hubby--Well i'm not really into chemistry, how about light bulbs and electricity?
Me--You got it. *CoughNERDCough!*
Hubby--Yes I am.